Think consensual non-monogamy means no commitment?
Plot twist: it taught me more about it than monogamy ever did.
(And no, you don’t have to open your relationship to steal the cheat codes.)
You might not need to open your relationship…but you do need to hear this.
I’m challenging the assumption that non-monogamy = lack of commitment, and exploring how opening up a relationship can actually deepen commitment in ways passive monogamy doesn’t.
Ever feel like your relationship’s on cruise control?
Like you’re there… but not really choosing to be? Newsflash: commitment issues don’t go away with monogamy. They just get buried under matching bath towels. Are you actively choosing this, or are you asleep at the wheel of your relation-trip?
Hi! I’m Ally Iseman! I’m a relationship coach and I want you to have the tools and skills you need to build the relationships you want and deserve. Here, I share all the lessons I’ve learned the hard way, so you don’t have to!
The biggest lesson I’ve ever learned about commitment came from… not committing to just one person. No, this isn’t about cheating or being afraid to settle down—this is about what consensual non-monogamy can teach us all, even if you never open up your relationship!
Non-monogamy taught me that commitment isn’t about restriction—it’s about intention. And that lesson changed everything.
When I opened up my relationship, I thought I’d end up in a pile of jealousy, schedule spreadsheets, and mystery fluids. But what actually happened taught me way more about commitment than any rom-com, therapist, or relationship self-help book ever did. I’m going to share what opening up my relationship taught me about commitment—and no, you don’t have to be non-monogamous to steal these secrets.
Commitment Isn’t One-And-Done
In most relationships, we treat commitment like a finish line. You move in, get married, and boom—done. But real commitment isn’t a one-time thing. It’s something you choose again and again.
Monogamy is generally seen as the default, and somewhere along the way, we stop asking:
“Is this what I want, or is this just what I’m supposed to do?”
So many of us fall into relationships like we fall onto the couch after work: tired, hopeful, and not really thinking it through. In consensual non-monogamy, commitment is ongoing—it’s something you revisit, re-evaluate, and actively choose.
Consensual non-monogamy forced me to ask:
“What does commitment actually mean to me?”
Not the Hallmark version. Not the TikTok therapist version. My version.
And once you start asking that question—whether you open up your relationship or not—everything starts to shift.
Let’s be clear, you don’t need multiple partners to practice this—you just need to stop assuming commitment is static. The more intentional your ongoing choice to stay, the stronger your connection becomes.
Most people treat commitment like a cliff: you fall off, and BAM! Now you’re in it. Hope you packed snacks. But commitment is something you choose, not fall into. Opening up my relationship showed me that commitment is actually a structure—one that you build together, brick by brick, based on mutual values, clear agreements, and regular check-ins.
Every relationship is built on agreements, whether explicit or implicit, and these require regular revisiting.
In monogamy, we often assume we’re on the same page about everything just because we love each other. In non-monogamy, that assumption doesn’t fly—because one vague boundary can lead to a full-blown meltdown. So you learn to talk. A lot.
You build a Shared Language by defining terms like ‘cheating,’ ‘flirting,’ and even ‘sex,’ which fosters mutual understanding. You don’t just commit once—you re-commit, again and again. But here’s the real secret — that kind of intentionality? It makes monogamous relationships way stronger, and hotter, too.
What’s one way you’re going to recommit to your relationship this week?
Boundaries Make Commitment Stronger
In the autopilot version of monogamy, we assume “everything is included” by default—but that leads to unmet needs and quiet resentment.
In the above post I discussed the reality of when “Two Become Three"—you, your partner, and the relationship—and how each requires attention and effort.
The romanticized idea of merging identities can lead to neglecting our individual needs. Non-monogamy forces honest conversations about boundaries—what’s okay, what’s not, and what needs might require other outlets.
Setting boundaries isn’t unromantic—it’s the ultimate sign of respect and clarity. And if you’re not having those convos in your monogamous relationship…you should be.
Communication isn’t optional—it’s survival
Think you’ve got great communication? Try juggling three dates in one week with two partners and no one feeling left out! That’s when you learn what real communication looks like–clear, compassionate, and honest. Non-monogamy doesn’t work without it. That’s why weekly check-ins, repair conversations, naming your needs, and creating a shared language become the norm.
Avoiding uncomfortable conversations can lead to unresolved issues that fester over time and turn into Resentment—one of the Gottman’s 4 Horsemen that destroys relationships. When you’re navigating one of these uncomfortable conversations, I encourage you to remain curious and ask open-ended questions to explore new aspects of the relationship together. Sharing fears and insecurities like this is a conscious choice that deepens emotional intimacy.
And the wild part? This same communication toolkit is a game-changer in any relationship, including monogamous ones. Because whether you’re exclusive or not, the key to lasting commitment is knowing how to talk when it’s awkward, vulnerable, or straight-up terrifying.
And spoiler alert: those convos are where the intimacy gets really good.
Desire ≠ Disrespect
In CNM, you learn that wanting other people doesn’t mean you love your partner less—it means you're human. It’s not like there’s 100 love points and you have to take 5 away from your partner in order to give them to someone else. If that was the case, then tell me:
Which one of your kids do you love and which ones don’t you?
Understanding this helps all relationships because it removes shame from desire and opens the door to honesty. Besides, being attracted to someone else is not the same thing as making a move on them.
Even if you never act on those feelings, acknowledging them can lead to deeper trust and better communication. Pretending they don’t exist? That’s what actually wrecks relationships. Tag someone who needs to hear this!
Commitment isn’t about restriction, it’s about choice
We tend to equate commitment with limitation. Like,
“If you’re really committed to me, you won’t look at anyone else, think about anyone else, or feel anything except total bliss when I chew with my mouth open.”
But what if real commitment isn’t about limiting options—it’s about actively choosing someone every day, with your eyes wide open?
Is something really a choice if you don’t have any other options?
Would you rather be chosen by your partner or feel that they’re with you out of obligation or desperation?
In non-monogamy, I have options. Plural.
Which means every time I choose to spend time with one of my partners, it means something. It’s not about obligation—it’s about intention.
Monogamous people can do this too. You can wake up every morning and say,
“Yes, I’m still in. And here’s why.”
That’s powerful. And when things get rocky—because they will; that’s not an if, it’s a when—that daily choice matters more than a dusty wedding ring ever could.
Defining Commitment for Yourself
Folks in non-monogamous relationships often have to define what commitment means—because “you’re my one and only” isn’t the default. That makes commitment more intentional, more specific, and more customized to your values.
When you define commitment together, it’s stronger. Because it’s about you, not an idea you’re trying to fit into.
And you can do that whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, or just curious.
What’s your definition of commitment?
You Don’t Have to Open Up to Level Up
You don’t have to open up your relationship to level it up. Just learning about consensual non-monogamy can teach you how to show up, speak up, and choose your partner, and your relationship, like you mean it.
Because commitment isn’t a cage. It’s a compass.
And it works way better when you’re holding it on purpose.
Monogamous, open, or somewhere in between?
Learn more about designing your relationship on purpose by checking out my course ENM 101 to make love work on your terms. It’s a judgment-free, beginner-friendly deep dive into how consensual non-monogamy can teach you to build better, more conscious relationships… even if you never open up!
The strength of any relationship lies in the conscious decision to be in it—and work on it continuously.
If you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, please consider restacking it so others can join in the joy!
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