This is the hottest thing you’re not doing enough of.
Whether you’re on a first date or in a 10-year marriage, this is how to make intimacy feel electric again.
TLDR;
In this video, I’ll show you:
What consent really means (and why it’s way hotter than you think)
The 3 consent frameworks that actually turn people on
How to talk about what you want—without killing the vibe
How to use consent to deepen emotional AND sexual intimacy
This isn’t Consent 101. It’s Consent as Foreplay.
And you can start using it tonight.
What if the thing you’ve been told kills the mood… is actually the secret to making sex hotter than ever? Consent is a turn-on, not a buzzkill. And I’m going to prove it!
Hey, I’m Ally Iseman—relationship coach, sex ed nerd, and your favorite third wheel when it comes to better sex and deeper love.
The Big C
You’ve heard that consent is important. But what if I told you… it’s also the secret to the hottest sex of your life?
Not just safer. Not just respectful. But mindblowingly intimate.
Whether it’s a one-night stand or your 10-year wedding anniversary, consent isn’t about killing the mood…it’s how you build one that’s worth having. Because, fun fact: “marriage” is not a synonym for "blanket consent.”
Let’s clear something up right away: Consent doesn’t ruin the mood. Consent is the mood. It’s a framework for intimacy that gets better the longer you practice it.
Real consent is an active, ongoing agreement—not “Well, they didn’t say no…” That’s called assuming. And we all know what that does…
Passive Consent is the assumption of a YES unless told otherwise.
Active Consent requires participation and assumes it’s a NO unless a yes is received.
Which kind of bump and grind sounds hotter?
Passive and lazy or playing with someone who is actively participating along with you? Whatever you put in, you’ll get in return
You’ve probably heard the phrase “Consent is sexy.”
And while that might sound like a bumper sticker, it’s also backed by scientific research. Articles in Psychology Today, Verywell Mind, and even a meta-analysis in the Journal of Sex Research confirm:
Partners who practice ongoing consent report higher satisfaction, better communication, and more trust—leading to WAY better sex.
And if you think asking kills the vibe? Try this:
“Do you want me to keep going?”
“Can I take this off?”
“Tell me what you want next…”
Asking is hot. Clarity is hot. Feeling safe enough to let go? HOT.
Consent isn’t about permission—it’s about anticipation.
Consent Frameworks That Work
Let’s be real: Not all consent is created equal.
Different people.
Different dynamics.
Different comfort levels.
That’s why there isn’t just one way to do consent “right.” There are frameworks—and they exist to help you communicate clearly, confidently, and sensually in whatever relationship you’re in.
One of my personal favorites? Informed consent. Don’t just tell me you want to kiss me… Tell me how you want to kiss me. Slowly? Roughly? On my neck, or somewhere I didn’t even know I liked yet?
The more information I have, the more I get to choose. And the more I choose, the more turned on I am. That’s how desire works—through clarity and anticipation, not mystery and assumption.
I love approaching consent not as a request, but as an invitation. Here’s the difference:
A request puts pressure on a yes or no.
An invitation opens the door for collaboration—it keeps both people empowered.
So instead of saying:
“Can I kiss you?”
And instead of:
“I’d like to kiss you—would that be okay?”
Try this:
“I’d really love to kiss you… what are you in the mood for?”
That little shift is everything. You’re not just asking for permission—you’re opening a conversation. You’re not fishing for a yes—you’re inviting them into possibility.
If you only ask yes/no questions, you’re cornering them and limiting yourself. Because maybe they do want to kiss you. Or maybe they want something even spicier.
What’s one way you’ve used consent to make a moment hotter?
Here are 3 consent frameworks to get those juices flowing:
F.R.I.E.S.
This is a great framework from the OGs at Planned Parenthood. It says that consent should be…
Freely given
Reversible
Informed
Enthusiastic (AKA Evident) because not everyone shows enthusiasm the same way if at all
Specific
It reminds us that consent isn’t one big YES, it’s a series of check-ins
Remember that time you asked your partner if you could have a couple of their french fries? When they said yes, did you follow that up by taking a big bite of their burger?
You can say yes to kissing, and no to anything more. Yes to this toy, no to that one. Yes to being tied up, no to being tickled. (Unless that’s your thing. I support you.)
You can say yes to choking, and still say no to taking off your socks. That’s your right. (And maybe your kink. No judgment.)
The Yes Ladder
Now we’re getting into some pro level seduction moves. This one’s about building the moment with a series of small, exciting, and intentional invitations.
“Can I kiss your neck?”
“Can I slide my hand lower?”
“Want to try that thing we talked about?”
This is not a check list, it’s a step-by-step to amplify desire. A turn-on, not a checklist. Nesting dolls of nasty. Each yes adds anticipation and connection. And spoiler: anticipation is everything.
The Traffic Light System
You don’t have to have a Transportation Authority fantasy to get mileage out of this one, but it won’t hurt either.
Common in the kink space, this is as useful for long term couples as those in a newer dynamic, really anyone who needs a shortcut when things get intense.
🟢 Green = Yes, I’m into this
🟡 Yellow = I’m not sure, slow down a little.
🔴 Red = Stop, I need a pause
Pro tip: This isn’t only useful during the deed. Use this after sex too.
Try:
“Was there anything you want more or less of next time?”
This isn’t a performance review. It’s an invitation.
Use Consent to Deepen Intimacy
This is the part no one tells you: Consent isn’t just about sex. It’s emotional. It’s relational. It’s about building a relationship where you both feel safe to bring more of yourselves. More:
Desire.
Fantasy.
Emotion.
Mess.
Asking, “Would you like to try something different tonight?” after 10 years of marriage isn’t boring—it’s brave. And that’s intimate AF. It says,
“I care how you feel.”
“I want this to be mutual.”
“I trust you with the real me.”
And that’s what makes long-term heat last.
Consent is an invitation to play, not a limitation. It allows for fantasy exploration safely. “Can I tell you a turn-on, no pressure?”
Whether you're on date three or year thirteen, you can use consent to open doors you didn’t even know were locked.
What Happens When You Skip It
Skipping consent doesn’t always look like violence—sometimes it’s just emotional fallout, resentment, or feeling invisible.
Most people don’t avoid consent because they’re evil. They avoid it because they’re afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of awkwardness. Afraid it’ll “ruin the vibe.”
When people stop asking, they stop seeing each other. But when you skip it? You might still get laid—but you miss the connection. And without connection, sex becomes… performative. Transactional. Empty.
Worse? It starts to feel unsafe—emotionally or physically. That’s when people start avoiding sex altogether, or resenting it in silence.
But here’s the hope: You can always bring consent back. Even if it’s been missing for years. Even if your partner’s never heard the word “FRIES” outside a drive-thru.
Start today. Try one small question. Try one better conversation.
What’s something you want to try saying next time you’re in the mood?
Consent isn’t about being “PC” or “polite.” It’s not about ruining the mood. It’s about building the kind of trust where the mood doesn’t have to be questioned.
So if you’re ready to make your relationships hotter and healthier, check out my course ENM 101—even if you never open up your relationship, these tools will open up your intimacy.
Not sure if your relationship is ready to explore consensual non-monogamy yet? Take my free Relationship Ratio Quiz—it’ll help you figure out where you’re strong, where you need to grow, and what’s next for your connection.
If this video helped you reframe how you see consent, don’t forget to Like it, Share it with someone you trust (and want to turn on), and Subscribe for more smart, spicy takes on modern love.
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