Monogamous or non-monogamous, whatever your relationship style, jealousy is going to come for you! In this post, I’ll teach you how to manage the green eyed monster so it doesn’t turn your relationship into a nightmare. And if you stick with me until the end, I’ll reveal the biggest mistake couples make that turns jealousy into a breakup.
I’m Ally Iseman, a relationship coach… with a twist.
We weren’t given the tools and skills we need to build the relationships we want and deserve. Here, I share all the lessons I’ve learned the hard way, so you don’t have to!
While some languages have the same word for jealousy and envy, they are actually different emotions, though related.
Envy is wanting something someone else has.
Jealousy is the fear that someone is going to take away something you already have.
Dealing with jealousy is an ongoing process, and – spoiler alert!! – the goal isn’t to get rid of it. In fact, jealousy can be a powerful tool for personal growth and can even be a turn on for some people when understood and managed. And in this post, I’m going to tell you exactly how to do that!
I’m going to share a few quick facts along with a huge mistake I see most couples make when it comes to jealousy, before sharing my tool to make the jelly monster nothing more than a condiment.
Fact #1: Monogamy doesn’t prevent jealousy. And neither does non-monogamy.
Our relationship structure isn’t what makes it secure, the quality of the experiences we have in the relationship does. Knowing our partners are actively choosing to be with us, rather than staying with us out of obligation, can add a great deal of trust and security.
There is an assumption that non-monogamous or polyamorous people don’t get jealous, and that just isn’t the case. And having a closed or monogamous relationship doesn’t prevent you from feeling jealousy either. Which brings us to…
Fact #2: It’s okay, and perfectly normal, to feel jealous.
We are socialized to think that something is wrong with us if we feel jealous. And that just isn’t the case. Evolutionary psychologists consider jealousy to be a primal response naturally stemming from the fear of loss, abandonment, exclusion, or insecurity in self or resources.
I wrote an entire post dedicated to understanding The 4 Types of Romantic Jealousy and an entirely separate one dedicated to Retroactive Jealousy. Once you understand which type of jealousy you’re dealing with, you can start using it as a tool so it doesn’t turn you into one!
Fact #3: Jealousy has more to do with us than anyone else.
While there are some cultures that view jealousy as proof of love, the presence or absence of jealousy should not be used to determine whether or not you or your partner care. If your partner isn’t jealous, that doesn’t exclusively mean they don’t care about you – and if they are, it doesn’t necessarily mean they do.
Someone with a deep sense of self confidence, who has built a high trust, secure relationship might not experience as much jealousy as someone who is more insecure themselves or who is in a less secure relationship. Does that mean the person with more self confidence loves their partner less than the more insecure person? A high amount of jealousy, in this instance, says more about their own state than it does about the state of their love for their partner.
Jealousy is simply giving us information and pointing us in the direction of our own personal qualities or areas in our relationship that might need some extra care and attention.
Remember how I said jealousy could even be a turn on when managed well? Let’s talk about the sexy kind of jealousy…
Fact #4: Zelophilia – Jealousy, but make it hot.
Feelings of jealousy can actually be sexually arousing for some people and that’s okay, when everyone is aware of it and it’s being communicated and mindfully managed between all partners.
Another positive emotional experience related to jealousy is Compersion. Often called ‘the opposite of jealousy,’ compersion is when you feel joy or pleasure from your partner experiencing joy or pleasure with someone else.
You know how much joy you get from watching your kid unwrap their presents? Or how excited you get when your best friend gets a promotion at work? That same empathetic feeling can also translate to other, more adult interactions. And now you understand compersion.
Compersion comes more naturally for some people than others – and it’s also totally okay if you don’t experience it. It’s not a requirement. It’s actually a skill you can develop and strengthen, if you so choose. And like compersion, when jealousy is managed in a growth-oriented way, it can become a benefit to you and your relationship!
So let’s talk about my big tool to help you do just that!
Inspired by the R.A.I.N. mindfulness practice developed by Michelle McDonald for dealing with anxiety – Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Non-Indentify – here is my method for managing jealousy, along with a bonus tip to make things easier on yourself longterm:
N.E.R.D. O.U.T. on Jealousy
Notice:
Something is happening inside you. Notice it and bring your attention to the edges of your peripheral vision. According to research out of Stanford University, this practice, known as “panoramic vision,” is shown to ease anxiety. Then focus on one point to bring your concentration back to the present.
Explore:
Now do a body scan. Is there a physical sensation associated with the current feeling of jealousy? Where is it in your body? Is the sensation good, bad, or neutral? Does it have any qualities? Is it hot, tight, burning? Name it. Now you’re out of the story in your head and you’re rooted in your body.
Reflect:
Ask yourself if, aside from triggering jealousy, does the thing you’re jealous about actually affect you or impact you in any real, measurable way? Knowing that it affects you and why is an important first step before talking to your partner about it. Is the jealousy showing you a need from your younger, childhood self that you can now take care of? Or is it showing you an area of the relationship that needs attention?
Disconnect:
Jealousy is just a passing feeling, like all emotions. Just like joy and fear and excitement, it will move through you. You are not your emotions, you are simply feeling them. This too shall pass, it does not need to become your identity. There is no such thing as a Jealous Person, there is only someone who is experiencing jealousy.
Open Up:
If you determine the type of jealousy you’re dealing with is something you also need to discuss with your partner in order to address, do so. Managing your jealousy is never your partner’s responsibility, but if the trigger is something shared in the relationship, then you need to work on it together. It’s also okay to let them know you’re managing your own jealousy, and ask for any extra reassurance or affirmations you need to support you in that. PRO TIP: You can save your partner’s reassuring messages to refer to in their absence.
Unite:
Meet your metamours (your partner’s other partners), assuming they’re also open to meeting you. Our imagination can be our worst enemy here, so making things tangible in 3D can diffuse its power. This isn’t for everyone and that’s okay, and it doesn’t mean you need to be BFFs, but it will humanize them and make the relationship feel less threatening. If your partner likes them and you like your partner, you’ll probably get along because your partner has good taste – they’re with you after all!
Timeout:
Oftentimes we can feel jealous because our partner is doing something that they really want to do, and meanwhile we’re not taking care of our own wants and needs. Do something productive and/or fun that has nothing to do with your partner. It’s important to expand our capacity to sit with uncomfortable feelings like jealousy, but we don’t always have the emotional capacity to do so, let alone analyze them, right away. Now, this isn’t to avoid dealing with the hard feelings, but you’ll usually feel better equipped after as this reminds you that you’re an independent autonomous person with your own interests and desires who doesn’t need to get 100% of your happiness from your partner. This practice can give you a little buffer before you dive into that yummy reflection time.
Bonus Tip – Social media manicure.
If you’re on social media, follow polyamorous people and polyamory accounts. This isn’t a shameless plug for me and my friends, although I am quite shameless, but watching more poly and non-monogamous content shows us how common it really is. This helps to normalize it and remind us that we’re not alone in these feelings.
Quick note: a lot of these pages are public, so be mindful if you’re not yet out about being polyamorous. You will show up publicly as a follower of those pages.
While you’re at it, unfollow toxic monogamy messaging. I didn’t say unfollow all monogamous people or accounts, but look out for toxic and possessive language. You don’t need it in your feed. No one does.
Even with my N.E.R.D. O.U.T. technique to deal with jealousy, plenty of people still make this one huge mistake when it comes to the green-eyed monster… and let it destroy their relationship in the process.
THE BIG MISTAKE:
The biggest mistake people make when it comes to jealousy, and what can often cause a breakup, is to avoid it altogether by pretending it isn’t happening!
This can sound like:
“I don’t get jealous,”
“I don’t ‘share’ my partners,”
“I’m not jealous, you’re the problem” AKA gaslighting
Like I mentioned earlier, by avoiding jealousy or deflecting it onto another person, we are missing out on important opportunities to learn about ourselves, grow, and even strengthen our relationship.
We’re taught to avoid emotional discomfort at all costs and so we end up blaming others for how we feel and making them responsible for changing or “fixing” our emotional state. Because of this aversion to discomfort, most people try to deny they experience jealousy at all!
When we allow ourselves to experience the full range of emotions, manage them responsibly, and learn to understand what they are telling us, we become free. We learn how to better trust ourselves and our decisions, and thus our partners.
A relationship without freedom isn’t partnership, it’s ownership. When we separate partnership from possession, things can start getting really delicious.
So what do you think – should I make a video about how to develop your skills of Compersion and see if you might be able to experience the sexy jealousy, Zelophilia?
Let me know in the comments below and heart this post to help me with that big ol’ algorithm. And feel free to check out The Jealousy Toolkit I created that includes the N.E.R.D. O.U.T on Jealousy technique alone with 15 other tools to help you turn the green-eyed monster into your BFF for personal growth and deeper intimacy. It’s time to NERD OUT and put your new skills to the test!
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