TLDR;
Based on the Gottmans’ viral Four Horsemen framework, this video exposes the real reasons relationships fall apart—plus how to fix them before they wreck your love life and burn your relationship to the ground
Learn how to handle criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—especially in open relationships.
Discover why jealousy is really just a bid for connection (and how to answer it like a pro).
And find out how to build real emotional safety without killing your sex drive.
Watch now and get the tools to stop sabotaging your relationships—no matter how many or few partners you might have.
Have you heard of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
The Gottmans studied thousands of couples over decades and they found four patterns that reliably predict a breakup with eerie accuracy:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling
They destroy trust from the inside out—whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, or just curious!
Hey, I’m Ally Iseman—certified relationship coach, sex ed nerd, and your go-to gal for judgment-free convos about love, sex, and non-monogamy.
In open relationships, we often pride ourselves on communication—but that can make it harder to see these patterns. Because we label them as ‘processing fatigue,’ ‘emotional labor,’ or ‘I’m just not feeling aligned right now.’ But underneath? It’s the same horsemen in a new outfit.
If you’ve ever caught yourself saying “I didn’t sign up for this”—tell me in the comments: Which Horseman has shown up in your relationship?
How They Sneak Into “The Opening Up Talk”
Now here’s the kicker: these four habits don’t just show up after things go sideways. They can make their grand entrance during the very first conversation about opening up. Think about it:
You bring up non-monogamy… and they get Defensive.
You express your needs… and they respond with Criticism.
You share a fear… and get met with eye-rolls or Contempt.
Things get hard… and one of you just checks out. Stonewalling.
That conversation—the make-or-break moment that could expand your love life or blow it up—is the perfect storm for all four horsemen to gallop in, disguised as “just being honest” or “keeping the peace.”
Curious to have that conversation? Take my free Relationship Ratio Quiz to see if your relationship is actually ready to open up—without breaking up.
It’ll show you which parts of your connection are solid, and where you might need to grow before you explore anything new. You’ll get personalized results and a bunch of free tools you can start using today.
Real talk? Most of the time, what looks like conflict is really just a missed bid for connection.
Which brings us to the next tool every relationship—open or not—needs in their toolkit…
Jealousy As a Bid For Connection
Regardless of your relationship style, there are moments when your partner reaches out for emotional closeness. These bids can be tiny, but they matter big time.
They might sound like:
“Look at this meme I found.”
“I miss you.”
“I feel jealous.”
And here’s the thing: Jealousy? It’s often just a bid for connection in disguise.
When your partner feels jealous, they’re not attacking you. They’re saying, “I want reassurance. I want to feel connected. I want to matter.” And how you respond? That’s everything.
If you treat jealousy as a connection cue, not a character flaw, you can respond with curiosity, not judgment. You don’t have to fix the jealousy—you just have to meet it with empathy and care.
This is how you build real emotional intimacy in your relationship. No matter if you have one partner or three: It’s not about managing who’s sleeping with who—it’s about how you emotionally show up for each other.
And honestly? That’s just solid relationship skill, period. Whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between.
Share this video with your partner or polycule—yes, even the one who “doesn’t do YouTube.”
What To Do Next
These habits don’t care how ‘evolved’ or non-traditional your relationship is. They’re sneaky, human, and fixable. Whether you're in a monogamous marriage, a throuple, or just texting three crushes and hoping for the best, these behaviors will show up.
The question is—do you know how to spot them before they take over?
Here’s the good news: The Four Horsemen aren’t destiny.
They’re not a death sentence — they’re just signals. And once you know how to spot them, you can stop reacting and start responding. You can actually change the pattern before it becomes permanent damage.
Think of them like emotional smoke alarms. You could ignore the beeping… or you could get curious and put out the fire before it burns your connection to the ground.
Because here’s the truth: It doesn’t matter if you’re monogamous, polyamorous, in a situationship, a polycule, or just partnered up and panicking about how to plan Valentine’s Day. These patterns show up everywhere.
But so do the solutions. Because this work? It’s not about who you’re sleeping with. It’s about how you show up. With care. With curiosity. With courage.
Learning how to communicate clearly.
How to repair when you mess up.
How to build safety—without sacrificing desire.
And how to move through jealousy without turning into someone you don’t want to be.
That’s what makes relationships thrive. That’s what keeps love alive after the NRE wears off. That’s what lets you explore new territory—emotionally, sexually, relationally—without getting lost.
So, if you’re sitting there thinking:
“Okay... I’ve seen at least two of these Horsemen ride through my relationship this week…”
You’re not alone. And you’re definitely not behind. You’re just learning how to have better relationships—and you deserve tools that actually work for how real people live and love today.
Whether you’re monogamous, non-monogamous, or somewhere in between, the most powerful thing you can do next is stop guessing and start learning how to build connection on purpose.
And if you’re ready for that? If you want real tools—not just Instagram tips or breakup prevention panic—I’ve got you.
ENM 101 is my beginner-friendly, totally shame-free course that walks you through how to communicate better, navigate jealousy, build boundaries, and design the kind of relationship that feels as good as it looks from the outside.
It’s practical, shame-free, and made for people who want more than just “figure it out as we go.” Start building the kind of relationships that don’t just survive... they turn you on.
Whether you ever open up your relationship or not—these are the skills that keep you connected when it counts—because they’re about building trust, not just managing schedules or splitting time.
Trust me—once you learn how to:
spot the Four Horsemen,
respond to bids for connection,
and have actual conversations about jealousy and boundaries?
You don’t just survive open relationships—you thrive in any relationship.
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I will see you next week with more of what you need to have the best version of your love, sex, and relationships.
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