You’ve always been curious to try, but are drama-free threesomes actually possible? This video is your ultimate guide to group fun without the aftermath. Plus, I’ll tell you how to make threesomes a repeatable adventure (yes, really!).
We’re going over the play-by-play of the main event, important post-threesome aftercare, and the secret playbook for how to keep the party going and make sure this isn’t one-and-done.
Learn how to play nicely with others without risking your whole relationship!
Hi! I’m Ally Iseman! I’m a relationship coach and I want you to have the tools and skills you need to build the relationships you want and deserve. I share all the lessons I’ve learned the hard way, so you don’t have to!
Threesomes—fun for everyone, right? WRONG!
If you’re curious to experience the #1 most reported sexual fantasy worldwide1 without putting your relationship on the line, read this entire post, or enjoy rolling the relationship dice.
I’m giving you a step-by-step guide to making sure three is a crowd–pleaser, including the biggest mistakes I see couples make before they start working with me.
Last week we went over The Pre Game Chat where you made a game plan for the Before, During, and After, as well as how to find the right ‘Third’ without coming across like thoughtless ‘Unicorn Hunters.’
Three’s Company: How To Plan A Drama-Free Threesome
Ever wondered how to plan a threesome without the drama? It's easier than you think... but it takes communication, trust, and a little bit of flair.
Now that you’ve each gone through all that sexy foreplay prep work, let’s talk about how to make the experience itself fun for all.
The Main Event
The Golden Rule of Threesomes?
Everyone should feel included, respected, and prioritized.
If one person feels like a spectator or an afterthought, the vibe is instantly ruined. A great threesome isn’t just about sex—it’s about connection, comfort, and pleasure for everyone.
Ongoing Check-ins
So if consent is a necessary ingredient for pleasure—and it is—but can change at any time—and it can—then how do we check in without killing the mood?
Verbal check-ins
Consent is sexy AF and ongoing consent check-ins are an art form. Stopping the action entirely every 5 minutes is not the vibe and isn’t conducive to building connection. Simple phrases like “Do you like this?” or “Is this okay?” keep the energy flowing while ensuring everyone is comfortable.
Non-verbal cues
You know that feeling you get when you can tell someone is looking at you from behind? That’s the level of present awareness that is acceptable in this environment. Stay tuned into everyone's energy using eye contact, body language, and pausing when someone seems unsure.
Mood Killers
Mood Killer #1
It’s important to be present in order to balance your attention and avoid the dreaded Third Wheel Effect. The ultimate sexy-time killer.
If you’re a couple, don’t get lost in your own world—remember, there’s a third person here too! One who has already shared their desires with you because you did such a good job setting your Rules of Engagement from the last post.
If you’re the third, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. Your pleasure matters just as much as the couple you’re playing with, and you’re responsible for claiming it.
Mood Killer #2
Don’t ignore or cross boundaries mid-play. If something was off-limits before, it’s still off-limits now. Mid-scene is NOT the time to renegotiate.
If there are some Maybes on the table, this is where that traffic light system can come in handy: Green = all good, Yellow = it’s time to check-in, and Red = stop immediately.
Mood Killer #3
While unicorns might be real, mind reading is not. Communicate clearly and abundantly. Silence isn’t sexy when it leaves people confused or unsure.
Consent should be proactive in this space, not reactive. This means your assumption is a ‘No,’ unless it is clearly communicated to you otherwise.
Everyone is equally responsible for knowing and stating their Nos as they are listening for and respecting them from others.
Mood Killer #4
This isn’t a performance. Don’t treat it like a porn scene—stay present, have fun, and don’t stress about ‘doing it right.’ Release any ideas of perfection or what it ‘should’ look like and stay engaged with your pleasure.
Alright, so you nailed the experience (pun intended), but what happens after everyone’s clothes are back on? Trust me, how you handle the post-threesome conversation can make or break whether it ever happens again…
💗 Please consider RESTACKING if you’re enjoying this post💗
Aftercare vs. Aftermath
Don’t skip the post-play check-in if you want to avoid the dreaded ‘Post-Threesome Blues.’
Aftercare isn’t just about physical comfort—it’s emotional too. People often forget that after a threesome, emotions can run high: excitement, guilt, confusion, or even jealousy.
While all of these and more are very common, checking in with everyone afterward is key. As soon as possible, make sure you’re having an honest, open conversation with your partner and the third person.
Did everyone feel respected and valued?
Have any unexpected emotions come up?
How do you feel overall?
Did anything feel off?
Is there anything that needs to be addressed now before it starts feeling weird or awkward?
Just like with any sexual experience, it’s important to show appreciation and care for everyone involved, including yourself.
For couples, it’s especially important to check in with each other about what went well and what could be improved. This should never feel like a competition for attention, but rather a chance to grow together.
If it went great: Awesome! Do you want to do it again? With the same person or someone new?
If it went not-so-great: No shame—what can you learn from this about yourselves and each other for next time?
If you’re the third person who was added to the mix, make sure you voice honestly how you’re feeling as well. Are there any unmet needs or emotions you’re processing that need to be talked about?
Jealousy. It Happens.
Let’s talk about the green-eyed elephant in the room. Jealousy in this scenario is perfectly normal, so don’t throw any shade or try to pretend it’s not there if it is. It’s how you handle it that matters.
Monogamous Relationships
If one person feels jealous or insecure afterward, it’s important to talk about it and dig into where those feelings are coming from. And you’re in luck because I made an entire video about how to use jealousy as a tool for deeper intimacy.
Polyamorous Relationships
If you are already in a relationship with multiple partners, adding another layer of complexity to the emotional dynamic is possible—so check in with everyone affected, whether they were involved on the day or not, and give them space and time to express their feelings.
It’s important to prevent negative feelings from growing or turning into something worse like resentment, no matter what relationship style you’re in. Don’t sweep anyone’s feelings under the rug.
Have a direct conversation about any discomfort, whether it’s about the third person, the dynamic, or even your own boundaries. Keep the lines of communication open with your partner so that no one feels ignored or dismissed.
If you’re finding this helpful, hit that subscribe button for more expert tips on open relationships, consensual non-monogamy, and creating next-level connections.
Okay, now that you’re a pro at aftercare and preventing it from becoming a dramatic aftermath, let’s talk about how to make sure your threesome doesn’t become a one-time thing—assuming, of course, everyone’s on the same page about it happening again. What’s the key to keeping it fun and repeatable?
How to Keep It Going
Key #1—Communication is Lubrication
In order to make your threesomes a positive, ongoing experience I cannot stress enough the importance of consistent communication. This means not assuming everything is going to be like the first time, and therefore skipping all the prep.
Just because your first threesome was a success doesn’t mean you’re done talking about it. Think of it like rewatching your favorite movie. Discussing your feelings about the experience later on helps set the foundation for healthy, repeatable encounters.
For couples: Make sure you both stay aligned on your boundaries and desires, checking in regularly even when you’re not planning on having another threesome. This keeps everything transparent and healthy.
For the third person: It’s crucial that everyone is comfortable with future plans. If the others are open to doing this with you again, great! But if something doesn’t sit right with you, don’t be afraid to voice it. You’re not doing anyone any favors by not speaking your truth. That’s how you keep things positive for everyone involved.
Key #2—Revisit the Rules of Engagement
Before each new threesome, make sure all parties involved have the same expectations. Boundaries tend to shift or evolve over time, and those need to be addressed to keep everyone on the same page.
Threesomes are not rinse-and-repeat, they require deep conditioning every time. A “pre-game” conversation can help reignite everyone’s excitement while ensuring there’s no confusion about what’s expected this time around.
Key #3—Changing Feelings
What happens if, down the line, one partner in the couple or the third wants to stop having threesomes altogether?
It’s important to respect those feelings and adjust the dynamic accordingly. Don’t force it. Remember, consent is ongoing—whether it’s a yes or a no to future encounters.
If one partner in the couple is still interested in exploring threesomes and the other isn’t, it’s time to look at your relationship agreements and see what, if any, need adjusting. Just because one person is no longer interested doesn’t necessarily mean it’s off the table for everyone.
But if this was originally agreed to as only a shared experience, talk openly about why things have changed and what can be done to strengthen the relationship without relying on external experiences.
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If one partner is still wanting to explore outside the relationship, then it’s now an entirely new and different conversation than the ones you’ve already had. Consider getting the right professional support from an experienced therapist or coach who is experienced in multipartner dynamics and negotiating relationship agreements.
Hi, it’s me. Book a session. I’ve got you.
Key #4–Keeping It Fresh
Believe it or not, even if you’re having recurring threesomes, effort still needs to be made by all parties to avoid routine or monotony. I know what you’re thinking, “Threesomes are the opposite of boring!” Au contraire, mon ami.
Just like with any intimate activity, the thrill of a ménage à trois can fade if it becomes too predictable. Changing the environment, experimenting with new activities, or even shifting the roles in the encounter can keep things exciting and prevent it from becoming stale.
The key is to stay curious, flexible, and connected with your partners about what everyone enjoys and wants to explore.
Threesomes are a fun way to expand your sexual experiences, but it’s the communication, respect, and understanding that turns them into positive, ongoing encounters for everyone involved.
Between this and Part 1 last week, you’ve now got the tools to plan, enjoy, and keep threesomes a fun, healthy part of your relationship toolkit—if that’s your vibe! But remember, threesomes are just one aspect of consensual non-monogamy.
If you’re ready to explore on a bigger scale, diving deeper into boundaries, communication, and creating a connected, thriving open relationship, then check out my course ENM 101. Whether you’re curious, just starting, or ready to level up, this course will give you the foundation and confidence to open up without breaking up.
What You Can Learn From Your Sexual Fantasies, Hims (2024)
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