I’m Ally Iseman. I’m a writer, relationship coach, certified consent and communication specialist and ‘Kink Aware Professional,’ and non-monogamy educator and content creator. I’ve been practicing successful multipartner relationship dynamics (consensual non-monogamy) as a leader and community organizer hosting sex-positive events in Los Angeles and online since 2016.
I pulled this event together in less than a week as what felt like a much-needed response to a growing number of reports of abuses of power by multiple leaders within the kink/BDSM, Tantra, poly/ENM communities.
TO SAY WE'RE DISAPPOINTED WOULD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT.
There are currently a growing number of reports being released of abuse and SA (sexual assault) at the hands of a public figure seen as a leader within the kink/BDSM and poly/ENM communities. This is unfortunately not a standalone event. This individual is merely one of a growing number of leaders within our sex-positive, kink/BDSM, tantra, and poly/ENM spaces to have these allegations made, repeatedly in many cases. This is unacceptable and we are disgusted.
It is our responsibility as a community to step back and look at the environment we are all creating together that not only allows but fosters this to occur, repeat, and grow. We are educators, and we have failed you.
"Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that's what makes you strong." — Sarah Dessen
These are predators, plain and simple. And predators exist in all spaces, all over the virtual and tangible world. But when these predators choose to hunt within communities that are already marginalized and stigmatized, they make all of us their victims. Their actions are used to bolster the negativity and affirm the misinformation already out there. The walls of ignorance and fear are further fortified, blocking needed public access to the healing and growth available here. It casts an unwarranted shadow on the work that we do, what these spaces are really for, and what most of the people in them are really like. There are bad actors in here, like there are anywhere, but they are the exception not the rule. Unfortunately this is not how the court of public opinion works.
"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives." —Unknown
Information is how we empower ourselves and each other. When we are new to a space we are easily impressionable and vulnerable to influence. This space is a collaborative agreement between us all. We must take responsibility - all of us together: leaders, teachers, students, and followers — for how we shepherd in new explorers curious to learn more about themselves and the world through these powerful practices.
As the great philosopher Stan Lee said,
"With great power, comes great responsibility."
No system, person, or process is perfect. We must make room for mistakes in order to learn. That is the uncomfortable truth. But patterns of behavior are a different thing altogether and so we are saying, collectively, enough.
I want to deeply and humbly thank every one of my guests for being so willing and generous with their time on such short notice for such a big conversation.
This was created as a safer space. That means it has room for mistakes. Safe spaces don’t exist any more than safe sex does because we live in a constantly changing world filled with flawed humans just like us. Safer spaces mitigate risks and address mistakes constructively. Tonight’s event asks the question,
“How does this happen and how do we learn from this and improve so we don’t repeat it?”
There will be mistakes in the future, but we want them to be new mistakes, not repeated ones.
While this is a diverse space — we have people with all kinds of socioeconomic backgrounds, sexual and relational orientations, and cultural and racial identities — it is not entirely inclusive as it is not made for people identifying as men. I’m not generally a fan of gendering things, especially access, yet it felt important to create this initial space like this as a first-response to the current reports, which have all been about abuses by men against women.
That’s not to say abuse doesn’t happen to men or that it isn't also perpetrated by women. But that’s not what tonight is about. I want tonight to be a container where we can share and react freely, without having to worry about explaining anything that is just understood through the shared experience of being non-men in a patriarchal social structure.
This is just the beginning of a conversation, which means it will ideally continue far beyond tonight. Men and allies are an integral part of this conversation and must be included for anything to change or progress. That is why a recording of this live workshop will be made available for free online for anyone and everyone to access. I encourage you to share it.
This event includes a virtual Dom(me) dynamics workshop and a panel discussion exploring abuses of power in sex-positive leadership, which will incorporate audience questions, followed by an extended Q+A.
We are always in a power dynamic. With anyone and everyone we engage with.
This workshop will address the three tiers of responsibility we have in understanding power dynamics and power exchange:
Within Ourselves Individually
As Community Members
As Leaders
The intention of this event is for everyone to leave with a clear understanding of what healthy Dom(me) dynamics look, sound, and feel like; red flags to look out for in leadership; actionable tools to take care of ourselves and each other; and language to help us all better understand and express power exchanges.
If you’re interested in learning more about or connecting with any of the speakers:
I’m not sponsored, I don’t have a studio or brand backing me. If you enjoy and find value in my work, please consider becoming a paid subscriber:
If subscriptions aren’t your thing, please consider making a one-time contribution at your preferred cadence to help offset the cost of facilitating this workshop:
RESOURCES SHARED IN THE LIVE WORKSHOP CHAT:
Nicoletta loves this repair process class/ framework.
Lola shared “this nuance heavy read re: consent and alcohol or drug use too”:
An audience member asked about trauma informed trainings, and Nicoletta shared this great one for community to support each other in resilience.
Thea shared a process for finding kink- and poly-informed therapists: search for ‘kink’ or ‘poly’ in the search on Psychologytoday.com.
You can also find them and other kink- and poly-informed professionals of all kinds via the Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) Database. (my KAP listing)
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