Think boundaries are just for non-monogamous relationships? Think again. Whether you're monogamous or polyamorous, healthy relationships thrive on clear boundaries. But most people get them completely wrong!
This week we’re going to:
learn what boundaries really are,
why you need them,
and how to set them the right way
Including the biggest mistake most couples make that ends up destroying their relationship!
Ready to make non-monogamy work for you? Get my course ENM 101 and build a Relationship Agreement that keeps your love life hot and your boundaries locked in.
Do you know if your partner has the same definition of cheating that you do?
Would you risk your whole relationship on that bet?
If you’ve ever had a partner get mad at you for something you didn’t even know was a problem or agreed to something, only to realize later it’s not working for you, then this is for you!
This is a boundary issue—and today, we’re going to fix it.
Hi! I’m Ally Iseman! I’m a relationship coach and I want you to have the tools and skills you need to build the relationships you want and deserve. I share all the lessons I’ve learned the hard way, so you don’t have to!
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the personal guidelines we set for ourselves in relationships to define what feels good, what doesn’t, and how we expect to be treated.
Common Misconceptions
Boundaries are NOT about controlling someone else:
“You can’t talk to your ex.”
In reality, they’re guidelines for how you want to be treated:
“If you talk to your ex, I need transparency about what was said.”
Think of it like self-care. When you share a boundary with someone, you’re telling them how you take care of yourself and inviting them to join you. And if they can’t, that’s okay. You’re still going to.
“If you talk to your ex, I need transparency about what was said. If you can’t commit to that level of communication, I’ll need to reassess how much time I’m willing to invest in this relationship.”
Boundaries are set and upheld by you. The biggest mistake I see is too much focus on setting the boundary but then forgetting to uphold it. This means enforcing any consequences associated with them not being honored. Again, those consequences are only about you and your behavior, not dictating someone else’s.
This isn’t the same as an ultimatum because boundaries are NOT about punishing someone. Silent treatment when they do something you don’t like? That’s avoidance, not a boundary.
An ultimatum gives someone else all the power and responsibility—“You made me do this!”—rather than keeping the focus on our own ability to make the best decisions for yourself. Boundaries keep you seated firmly in the driver’s seat of your life.
Boundaries are NOT the same as rules. Rules say, ‘You HAVE to do this.’ Boundaries say, ‘This is what I need to feel safe and respected.’
And while similar, boundaries are also not the same as agreements, which are created in partnership with another person.
Essentially, agreements are boundaries for a relationship that make it a safe space in which you can get uncomfortable. Because there’s no growth without getting a little uncomfortable. They’re not called "growing pleasures.”
We’re always growing and changing and so will our boundaries. So make sure you do regular check-ins to see if any need updating throughout your relationship.
An easy way to think of all this is:
Boundaries are about me.
Rules are about you.
Agreements are about we.
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Types of Boundaries in Relationships
Boundaries can show up in any type of relationship in a number of ways:
Physical: “I love cuddling, but I need solo sleep space.”
Emotional: “I can support you, but I’m not responsible for fixing your feelings.”
Sexual: “I’m comfortable with XYZ, but ABC is a no-go for me.”
Time & Energy: “I need alone time after work before I can be social.”
Communication: “I prefer we text during the day and save deeper convos for in person.”
Monogamy vs. Polyamory
While I learned the most about boundaries from polyamory, they can show up a little differently when you’re in a monogamous vs. a non-monogamous relationship, but are equally important in both.
Monogamous couple:
“I need us to check in before making big social plans.”
Polyamorous couple:
“I need advance notice before you plan an overnight with another partner.”
Same concept—different context!
In multipartner dynamics like polyamory and open relationships, some important boundaries to discuss are:
Physical intimacy and sexual activity with other partners
Communication between and disclosure about other relationships: the how, when, and what you want to know about your partner’s other partners and what you want them to know about you
Time commitment and emotional availability
I go over all this and WAY more in my course ENM 101 where I walk you through building your entire Relationship Agreement including all those juicy boundaries.
Why Boundaries Matter in Every Relationship
In monogamy, boundaries are often assumed—and we all know what that does (cue: donkey 🫏 )—but in polyamory, they have to be discussed.
Think of consensual non-monogamy like exposure therapy. More relationships = more opportunities for things to get messy if communication isn’t clear.
But guess what? The same thing happens in monogamy too! One partner might assume date nights will always be on Fridays, but the other never agreed to that.
In a polyamorous relationship, one partner might assume they can share personal details about a relationship with another partner—but that wasn’t discussed.
The fix? Setting boundaries in advance.
Boundaries are the foundation of all healthy relationships. A relationship without boundaries is like a house built on sand—unstable, unpredictable, and bound to collapse.
When people don’t know where your limits are, it’s not a matter of if, but when they’ll accidentally cross them. And when resentment builds? That’s how relationships fall apart.
We already talked about some common examples of boundaries in poly relationships:
How much do we share about other partners and when?
What kinds of relationships are we comfortable with?
What are our agreements on time, intimacy, and communication?
So I want you to see how this applies to monogamy too:
Just because you’re exclusive doesn’t mean you automatically agree on everything. Many couples assume they’re on the same page 🫏 —until they realize they’re not.
For example: One partner might think flirting is fine, but the other sees it as cheating.
The takeaway? Whether you’re dating one person or five, you need to clearly define your expectations together.
Not to sound like a broken record, but this is also something we deep dive into in ENM 101. You get exercises to help you Define Terms like cheating and commitment to create a Shared Language for your relationship.
This means you both know exactly what different words mean because you defined them together, no assumptions 🫏
Without a shared language, it’s almost impossible to create effective boundaries.
And What Happens When You DON’T Set Boundaries?
Burnout & Overwhelm – You give, give, give… until there’s nothing left.
Unspoken Resentment – You agree to things you don’t actually want, then get mad when your partner doesn’t read your mind.
Unclear Expectations – If you never define what you want, how can you expect to get it?
Power Imbalance – The person with stronger preferences always “wins,” leaving the other feeling unheard over and over again.
What’s a boundary you wish you had set sooner in a past relationship?
Boundaries = Freedom, Not Restriction
People often think boundaries “limit” relationships, but the opposite is actually true. Good boundaries create more trust, more security, and more freedom because everyone knows where they stand. A healthy relationship isn’t about guessing what your partner wants—it’s about discussing it together.
For example: If you set a boundary that you need alone time on Sundays, your partner doesn’t take it personally when you say no to brunch—they already understand it’s part of your self-care.
A lot of people confuse boundaries with rules—“You can’t do this” vs. “I need this to feel safe”. A boundary is about your well-being, not about controlling someone else’s actions.
RULE
“You’re not allowed to go out with your friends.”
BOUNDARY
“I need you to check in with me before making big plans, so I feel considered.”
Boundaries should feel empowering, not restrictive. It doesn’t matter if you’re monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between—boundaries are what make all relationships work.
Golden Rule
Boundaries are about self-care, not control.
Make sure to catch next week’s video where we’ll explore how to create and maintain boundaries that actually work!
Check out my course, ENM 101—where I’ll help you build a rock-solid Relationship Agreement so you’re prepared for this and every other unexpected ‘surprise’ on the road to a successful open relationship. Start your journey the right way!
If you want more no-BS relationship advice like this, hit that subscribe button—I’ve been ENM since 2016 so ya know there’s plenty more where this came from!
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