Remember when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? So... what changed?
Does it mean the spark is gone?
That something’s wrong?
That you're broken?
Spoiler alert: you're not.
There’s a secret language of desire most people were never taught — and once you learn it, everything changes. If you’ve ever wondered where your spark went—or why your desire feels different than it used to—this is for you.
TLDR;
We’re exploring the secret language of desire—and why most long-term couples never got the cheat sheet. You’ll learn:
The difference between responsive vs spontaneous desire
Why wanting both security and novelty is totally normal
How learning about consensual non-monogamy (even if you never open up) can help you feel more confident, connected, and turned on in your relationship
Hey, I’m Ally Iseman—relationship coach, sex ed nerd, and your go-to gal for honest, modern, judgment-free conversations about love, sex, and the occasional group chat involving three calendars, a Google Doc, and a little thing called compersion. That’s when you feel happy seeing your partner enjoying a connection with someone else.
Today we’re unpacking responsive vs. spontaneous desire—and what that has to do with fairy tales, fantasies, and maybe even consensual non-monogamy (even if you never open up).
What Fairy Tales Got Wrong
Growing up, most of us were fed the same story:
If you really love someone, you’ll always want them.
Cue the romcom montage of spontaneous make outs in the rain, passionate glances across the dinner table, and sex that just magically happens without anyone brushing their teeth first.
But here’s the truth: all those Disney movies and romcoms end at the beginning of the relationship. The real relationship is hidden behind Happily Ever After.
Most long-term couples don’t live in a rom-com. They live in reality. One filled with laundry, canceled flights, and the occasional argument about which direction the toilet paper roll should be facing.
On top. Unless you’re a psychopath.
And in that reality, desire doesn’t always show up like a lightning bolt.
Enter: Responsive Desire.
Responsive Desire is when your body gets into it after things have already started—like kissing, cuddling, or flirting—instead of wanting it out of nowhere.
Unlike Spontaneous Desire, which pops up out of nowhere like a surprise party in your pants, Responsive Desire is more like a slow burn. You might not feel like having sex until the kissing starts… or the cuddling starts… or the conversation gets flirty.
According to sex researcher Dr.
, author of Come As You Are, most women—and a lot of people in long-term relationships—tend to experience responsive rather than spontaneous desire.And guess what? That’s totally normal.
Why Maintenance Sex Isn’t Sad…It’s Smart
Here’s the part where everyone leans in and whispers:
“Wait…are you saying I have to schedule sex?”
Yes. Yes, I am.
But before you panic and throw your entertainment device of choice out the window—let me reframe that.
Does scheduling a vacation make it less fun?
No. It makes it better. You get to anticipate it. Prepare for it. Count down to it. Maybe even pack a little lingerie…or at least, you know, shave your legs above the knee.
Scheduling sex doesn’t mean the spark is dead.
It means you’re prioritizing connection—and making space for intimacy to grow. Think of it as “maintenance sex”—but don’t let the name fool you. Maintenance doesn’t mean boring. It means intentional.
And when it comes to long-term desire, intention is way sexier than spontaneity.
Fantasy ≠ Desire
A conversation about desire wouldn’t be complete without mentioning fantasies. And while they might look like twins, desire and fantasy are not the same.
Just because you fantasize about something—a threesome, public play, prolonged and uninterrupted eye contact with your barista—doesn’t mean you necessarily want to act on it.
And just because you’re in love with your partner doesn’t mean you’ll never feel desire for anyone else. That doesn’t make you a monster. That just makes you…human.
The trick is knowing the difference between what’s fun to think about and what’s meaningful to explore. And that’s where learning about consensual non-monogamy can be a game changer.
Even if you never open up your relationship, understanding the ways people ethically navigate desire, fantasy, and boundaries can help you communicate better, judge yourself less, and feel way more confident talking about, let alone exploring, your own desires.
Because the goal isn’t to never feel attraction outside your relationship. It’s to know what to do with those feelings when they do show up.
Security & Novelty: You’re Not Weird for Wanting Both
Another myth we need to bust? That once you find “the one,” all your needs—emotional, sexual, spiritual, (fashionable?)—will be met by that one person, forever.
No pressure, right?
The truth is: we crave security AND novelty.
We want a safe base to land…and enough excitement to feel alive. And those two desires aren’t in conflict—unless we pretend they are.
Sometimes when you think about being with someone new, it’s not because you don’t love your partner. It’s just your brain looking for something exciting while still valuing security. We can want both: comfort and adventure.
Exploring these ideas, especially through the lens of consensual non-monogamy, helped me realize that wanting more doesn’t mean loving less.
It just means you’re curious. Honest. Brave enough to want more from your relationships—even if “more” just means deeper communication, bolder fantasies, or a little role play once the kids are asleep.
You don’t have to open up your relationship to include other people in order to open up more authentically to each other, but you do need to be able to talk about it, even hypothetically, without losing your minds.
The Real Secret Language
So here’s the secret language of desire:
It’s not about spontaneous passion or picture-perfect love.
It’s about intentional intimacy. Honest exploration. And understanding how your unique desire works—so you can build a relationship that actually turns you on.
Because whether you’re monogamous, poly-curious, or somewhere in between, learning this language helps you stop chasing a fantasy…and start designing a relationship that supports the love life you want—not just the one everyone says you should have.
If you’ve ever felt like your desire is broken—or like something's off in the bedroom—drop some love in the comments. You’re not alone. And you’re definitely not broken. You might just be speaking a desire language you were never taught to understand.
Want to explore this even deeper?
It doesn’t matter if you want to open up your relationship to include other people or you just want to open up more authentically to each other, check out my beginner-friendly course, ENM 101—it’s like a shame-free decoder ring for your relationship.
This course gives you the tools to:
Understand your own desire (and your partner’s)
Communicate what you actually want
Set boundaries without drama
And explore fantasy without freaking each other out
Plus, if you're not sure where to start, take my free Relationship Ratio quiz—it helps you figure out if your relationship is ready to open up without breaking up.
You’ll get personalized insights based on how you actually show up in your relationship right now. Take the next step toward a sex life that actually feels good—instead of just looking good on paper.
If you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, please like, restack, and tag a friend who needs to know their desire isn’t broken—it’s just speaking a different language!
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