Think cheating ends relationships? Think again.
These 4 toxic habits destroy trust from the inside out—and most people don’t even know they’re doing them. And yes—they show up in monogamy, polyamory, and even those “we’re just exploring” convos.
TLDR;
Based on the Gottmans’ viral Four Horsemen framework, this video exposes the real reasons relationships fall apart—plus how to fix them before they wreck your love life and burn your relationship to the ground
Learn how to handle criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—especially in open relationships.
Discover why jealousy is really just a bid for connection (and how to answer it like a pro).
And find out how to build real emotional safety without killing your sex drive.
Watch now and get the tools to stop sabotaging your relationships—no matter how many or few partners you might have.
The biggest threat to your relationship isn’t cheating—it’s four toxic habits you don’t even know you’re doing!
They destroy trust from the inside out—whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, or just curious! Let’s make sure you’re not sleepwalking into a breakup!
Hey, I’m Ally Iseman—certified relationship coach, sex ed nerd, and your go-to gal for judgment-free convos about love, sex, and non-monogamy.
Today we’re breaking down the 4 hidden toxic behaviors that quietly destroy relationships, how they show up in open relationships, and what you can do to turn things around before it’s too late.
You know those little arguments that keep popping up?
The tone that feels just a little off?
The “I’m fine” that you know definitely means “I’m not”?
Remember the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Well, world renown relationship researchers and psychologists John and Julie Gottman have their own version. These four toxic behaviors predict the end of a relationship with over 90% accuracy–and most people don’t even know they’re doing them!
Yes, even if you're polyamorous. Even if your communication is good. Even if you're just “talking to your crush about boundaries” over text for 3 hours.
But here’s the good news: once you spot them, you can actually change them—and strengthen your connection, instead of watching it crumble.
What are The Four Horsemen?
The Gottmans studied thousands of couples over decades and they found four patterns that reliably predict a breakup with eerie accuracy.
Not cheating. Not mismatched libidos. Not growing apart.
It’s these four silent killers:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling
They’re like termites in your relationship. Tiny at first, but left untreated? They can bring the whole thing down—even if you're doing everything else "right."
And here’s the kicker: They often don’t show up screaming. They sneak in through sarcasm, shutdowns, and “playful” jabs that don’t feel so playful.
And they don’t discriminate. Whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, or just romantically adventurous, these patterns can still wreck your connection if you don’t know what to look for.
So let’s break them down one by one—but not just how they show up in monogamy… let’s look at how they hide or mutate inside consensual non-monogamy too.
Because more partners = more chances to unconsciously repeat the same destructive patterns—unless you learn to catch them early. Let’s saddle up these Horsemen and learn how to ride them into healing instead of heartbreak.
How They Show Up
According to Drs. John & Julie Gottman, these behaviors don’t just signal relationship trouble—they predict divorce. And that includes queer, kinky, poly, and non-traditional relationships too.
Here’s how these silent killers sneak in, whether you’ve got one partner or four:
1. Criticism
Criticism is sneaky because it sounds like honesty… but it feels like an attack.
Instead of saying,
“I miss you,”
you say,
“Wow, must be nice to have so much time for your other partner.”
Oof. That’s not sharing a need—that’s throwing a verbal dart and hoping it lands where it hurts.
Criticism attacks your partner’s character, not the behavior.
And in open relationships? It can wear a disguise—sounds like “radical honesty” but really, it’s just dressed-up resentment.
The Fix
Gentle start-ups. Say what you need — not what they’re doing wrong.
For example:
“I’ve been feeling disconnected lately. Can we plan some intentional time together this week?”
Gentle is hot. Direct is sexy. Blame? Not so much.
2. Defensiveness
In non-monogamy, the classic diversion of defensiveness can come with a side of guilt and a sprinkle of gaslight.
You’ve probably heard (or said):
“Well you’re the one who said you were okay with this.”
Or:
“You knew what you signed up for.”
Yeah…no. That’s not accountability — that’s avoidance with attitude.
The Fix
Own something about the situation. Every story has at least two sides. Choose to step over the dividing line and join your partner. Responsibility is not the same as fault—it’s the gateway to repair.
Try:
“You’re right—I wasn’t listening as closely as I could’ve. Let’s talk about it.”
Pro tip: Listening doesn’t mean agreeing. It means caring enough to stay curious.
3. Contempt
Contempt is the most dangerous. It’s when irritation grows into a sense of superiority. Think sarcasm, eye rolls, and passive-aggressive digs.
In monogamy, it might sound like:
“Wow, you’re still upset about that?”
In non-monogamy?
“Ugh, why are you so jealous? You should be more like [Other Partner].”
YIKES.
Contempt isn’t just mean — it’s corrosive. It tells your partner, “I’m better than you,” which kills emotional safety.
And the worst part? Contempt often hides unspoken needs. When we don’t feel seen, we start swinging. And I’m not talking about the fun upside down pineapple kind.
The Fix
Appreciation, baby. Practice regularly catching and naming what’s working, not just what’s wrong.
Say:
“I loved how you checked in with me after your date last night. That helped me feel really cared for.”
Bonus? This can build compersion—that warm, fuzzy joy you feel when your partner is happy, even if it’s not with you. You can’t cultivate compersion on contempt. But you can grow it on gratitude.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when one partner shuts down—physically or emotionally. Your body’s still in the room… but your mind just peaced out. In polyamory, it might show up like:
Avoiding hard convos with “It’s fine.”
Ghosting emotional check-ins.
Getting really academic when feelings come up.
Can’t talk about your abandonment wound if you’re too busy quoting a Brene Brown podcast, right?
Stonewalling usually means someone’s overwhelmed, flooded, or scared—and doesn’t know how to say it.
The Fix
Pause. Regulate. Re-engage. You don’t have to process everything in real time.
Try:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a 20-minute break and come back to this?”
It’s not about avoidance—it’s about taking care of yourself so you can actually connect instead of collapse.
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