When It's Not All Hunkey Dorey

Things Aren't Always What They Seem

Growing up in “subrural”¹ Maryland, we had a bucket in the trunk of our family car.

It was called The Hunkey Dorey.

This cylindrical white plastic tub with a wide mouth and yellow screw off lid was the emergency backup for my sibling and I as kids when rest stops weren’t anywhere in sight.

I grew up thinking that a “Hunkey Dorey” was a receptacle used on road trips when bladder (or sphincter) control became an issue. I thought it meant that for everyone.

Spoiler Alert

Hunkey Dorey is a specific type of popcorn known for its unique blend of sweet, salty, and savory flavors. It is a classic treat made by Stuckey's, a well-known candy and convenience store brand founded in 1937.

It is not a potty bucket.

I did not learn this until well into my adulthood. We’re talking early to mid-30s.

And I learned it the hard way: on a road trip with friends…

One of us needed more bio support than what was on offer by pulling over to the side of the road. I laughed, exclaiming we should have brought a Hunkey Dorey.

You could have heard a pin drop.

I thought I had grown a second nose the way everyone was looking at me.

I learned that, while other families may have had buckets or receptacles of one kind or another in their trunks for similar reasons, they were in fact, not called a Hunkey Dorey.

In fact, no one in the car even knew what Hunkey Dorey meant.

This left me feeling “othered” about something that felt completely normal to me.

I spent that evening confused and Googling.

I share my sweet, salty, and savory embarrassment with you to say that, while you may have grown up thinking something was “normal” and that it was the set and only acceptable standard, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s that way for everyone.

And it doesn’t mean that that certain thing will be that way for you forever either.

Point in fact: While I no longer refer to a human waste tub as a Hunkey Dorey, I am still not able to enjoy Stuckey’s popcorn as the sweet, salty, and savory treat it is.

That’s not to say that thing may not have worked for you for some time, it may very well have. But as you grow, as you learn more and venture out into the world, experiencing other ways of living and loving, you may find that that thing isn’t what you thought it was.

And while that might feel embarrassing or uncomfortable or even scary, that’s okay.

That’s growth.

Growing up with one thing as normal, we automatically assume that’s what everyone has or how everyone does something. It’s okay to find out something is different for others than it is for you.

And it’s equally okay to explore those differences more, if you desire, to see if any of them resonate with you now.

Most of us grew up with love/relationship/commitment = monogamy.

That’s it. That’s the only option. That’s the way it is.

But monogamy is to Hunkey Dorey what love/relationship/commitment is to potty bucket. And no, I’m not calling monogamy a bucket of poo.

I’m merely reflecting that being raised to understand one thing as the norm does not necessarily make it The Truth. It’s just what you were raised to believe.

That’s okay.

Love/relationship/commitment = a sweet, salty, and savory array of relationship styles.

I started writing this post with the sole intention of paralleling my Hunkey Dorey road trip epiphany with my consensual non-monogamy relation-trip, but as fate would have it, it has become something more…

I’ve always worked hard. Strived. Hustled.

The poster child for the American Dream:

Third-generation American, great-grandchild of immigrants fleeing persecution for a better life. My great-grandparents scraped pennies together. Their children worked with their hands so that their children could work with their brains so that their children, me, could work with their hearts.

“I am a warrior, so that my son can be a merchant, and his son can be a poet.”

—John Quincy Adams

But the way I’ve been working this past year hasn’t been a dream. It’s become a nightmare. I left my last position as VP of Marketing to build something of my own that I could be proud of. That resulted in Passport 2 Pleasure:

• the Substack;

• the YouTube channel;

• the Instagram page;

• the inclusive relationship education platform,

• speaking,

• live workshops,

• coaching,

• creating courses and online educational materials and resources,

• producing erotic events,

• and so much more.

And it’s just me.

I’ve had to contract an editor and an assistant for social media support because I can’t sustain the workload, even with 24 hours a day and 7 days a week dedicated to it.

I’m not paying myself and I can’t sustain their paychecks anymore either.

I started all of this because I love it. Because I’m an absolute relationship nerd.

I’m deeply passionate about everyone having access to the tools and skills they need to build the relationships they want and deserve. Because I believe that if we all have better relationships that last longer, then we’ll have a better world that lasts longer.

“If our world leaders were better fucked, we’d be less fucked.”

—Ally Iseman

I have been a wilderness backpacker for almost 15 years. My last adventure was starting the PCT—the Pacific Crest Trail (yes the one from the book Wild that stretches from the Mexican border to the Canadian border across the highest peaks along the west coast of the US—and working on it in sections. I’ve only covered 11% of the 2,650 miles so far and my feet haven’t touched a single trail for the past year.

I haven’t gotten my paddle board wet pushing out of the marina in just as long.

I don’t even know what, if any, hobbies I’ve gotten to really enjoy since starting this.

I can’t serve you the way I want to if my bucket is empty. (not a Hunkey Dorey reference) You deserve better than that. And so do I.

The way I’ve been working, while it’s all I know, isn’t the only way.

The way I’ve been working, simply put, isn’t sustainable.

And I’m not yet sure exactly how to move forward in a way that is.

I do know that I have a couple new collaborative projects coming up with people I respect and admire like

Danielle | Openly Committed

that I can’t wait to tell you more about! I want to make sure that I can show up for those, and therefore for you, best.

So, as I write this post about choosing to do things differently even if you’ve always known them to be a certain way, I’m going to do something I’ve never done before…

I’m taking a break.

And it scares the SHIT out of me.

I’m not walking away. Nothing is ending. I’m not pressing STOP, just the PAUSE button.

I’ve always worked harder, not smarter. And I want to change that.

I know there’s a better way to do this and I want to create the space for myself to figure out exactly how. Because I give a fuck.

What does that look like?

I’m going to put a pause on creating original content for the month of June.

I’m still going to send you a weekly post—these will be comprised of interviews with other amazing sexperts like

Susan Bratton

,

Marie Thouin

, and Marie DeCosse of

NOMAD Travel Groups

, but the weekly headlines, and the monthly Ask Ally advice column, Office Hours Live, and my personal essay will be on pause for the month.

I understand and respect that this might feel jarring for some of you. I‘ve been showing up in your inbox regularly, for quite some time for many of you. We’ve gotten to know each other over this past year. And change is uncomfortable. That’s okay.

While I might not be able to respond right away, please know I read all of your messages, comments, DMs, and restacks.

I will continue checking them, even during June, so please feel invited to share your thoughts and ask questions, no matter how confusing they might feel.

I’m still here to listen, and hearing from you has always been what keeps me going.

I’ll see you back here in July. Things might look a little different, but it’ll still be me.

And this time my bucket will be full (of sweet, salty, and savory popcorn, ya sickos😉).

Thank you for being here.

By being here you are coming back home to yourself in your relation-trips and stepping into a space that celebrates your curiosity. You are also supporting a sex-positive business in a world that is not designed for sex-positivity. Your support every single month is literally changing the world.

I will see you in July with more of what you need to have the best version of your love, sex, and relationships.

1. My word for “cow tipping on one side, white picket fences on the other,” a suburb of a suburb on the outskirts of rural.