💬 Ask Ally: "I could never be poly, I'm too jealous" and other greatest hits.

An inclusive relationship advice column from couples coach Ally Iseman.

Welcome to the monthly inclusive relationship advice column Ask Ally, where I answer all of your burning questions about sex, love, dating, and all modern relationships!! These are real questions from real people like YOU.

This is part relationship advice, part sharing my own journey as a woman relating non-monogamously. Think Carrie Bradshaw but without the Aiden vs. Mr. Big showdown, because, thanks to expansive relationship dynamics, I can be with both of them!

The Ask Ally advice column and monthly Live videos are for supporting members only — below is a preview for free subscribers.

This month’s readers ask:

I tried to pick just one, but I get different variations of jealousy avoidance and deflection so much that this month I’m answering a grouping of the most common ones I get about open relationships:

• But how do you avoid jealousy?

• I could never do it, I’m too jealous.

• I don’t want to share my partner.

Notice a theme? This month’s Ask Ally is all about building Jealousy Resilience…and I’m even going to share with you the story about the first time I experienced jealousy!

Paid subscribers of Passport 2 Pleasure can submit their own questions. I’ll select from those and answer anonymously for the benefit of all. The advice below is an overview of the important factors but may not get into the specific aspects of your unique scenario, in which case I encourage you to DM me your questions.

5 Ways to Cultivate Jealousy Resilience

AKA What Everyone Can Learn from Consensual Non-Monogamy

Navigating the emotional landscape of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) can be incredibly rewarding, but it also comes with unique challenges.

One of the most common hurdles—which is certainly not exclusive to non-monogamy—is jealousy. It's a natural human emotion, and experiencing it doesn't make you "bad" or "unsuited" for CNM.

A quick reminder: jealousy and envy are not the same thing.

Envy is about wanting what someone else has.

Jealousy is about worrying someone else is going to take what you have.

The key is developing jealousy resilience: the ability to acknowledge, process, and navigate jealous feelings without letting them derail your relationships. This isn’t about suppressing jealousy; it's about understanding it and using it as a tool for self-growth and deeper connection.

This is one of the key differences between open relating and the toxic/possessive relationship prescription we’re all raised with. Love as a gift vs. as a transaction.

Here are five practical methods for cultivating jealousy resilience:

Method #1: Reframe the Narrative Around Jealousy

Just like with guilt, the stories we tell ourselves about our emotions significantly impact our experience. I like to remind myself that “nervous” and “excited” are actually the same physiological response in my body, the only difference is the story I’m telling myself. Some days that’s easier to remember than others!

If you view jealousy as a sign of weakness or failure, you're likely to experience it more intensely and negatively. Instead, consider reframing jealousy simply as a signal—a message you can learn from.

Research suggests that emotional acceptance, rather than suppression, leads to healthier emotional regulation¹ (Gratz & Roemer, 2004). Acknowledge the jealousy without judgment. Ask yourself:

• What is this jealousy trying to tell me?

• Is it related to a specific unmet need, a fear of abandonment, or a boundary that needs clarification?

Learn more to see what information your jealousy might be trying to tell you:

🎥 The 4 Types of Romantic Jealousy EXPLAINED

For example, instead of thinking,

"I'm so jealous that my partner is on a date, I'm a terrible CNM partner,"

Instead try,

"I'm noticing feelings of jealousy arising. I wonder if it's connected to my anxiety about feeling less important. Let me explore that with my partner."

This shift in perspective allows you to move from reactive behavior to proactive communication and self-soothing.

We’ll identify positive benefits of and learn to work with jealousy this weekend in my live on-demand workshop The Jealousy Switch, turning jealousy from the green-eyed monster into your BFF for personal growth.

Method #2: Identify Your Triggers and Vulnerabilities

Understanding your personal jealousy triggers is crucial.

• What specific situations, interactions, or thoughts tend to spark these feelings?

• Are there certain partners, activities, or conversations that are more challenging than others?

• Is the jealousy sexual, emotional, or both?

Some research indicates that attachment style can influence how individuals experience jealousy² (Sharpsteen et al., 2001). For example, individuals with an anxious attachment style might be more prone to jealousy due to fears of abandonment. Reflecting on your attachment style and past relationship experiences can provide valuable insights.

Once you identify your triggers, you can develop strategies for managing them. This might involve setting clear boundaries with your partner(s), engaging in self-care activities before or during potentially triggering situations, and/or having open and honest conversations about your needs and concerns.

Looking for tools to help? Look no further! I put all my jealousy resources together:

That’s all well and good, but once you have more grace with yourself experiencing jealousy and know you need to talk about it… how are you supposed to do that?

Let me tell you about the first time I ever experienced jealousy, and how not talking about it almost ruined everything…

There I was, a year into my very first non-monogamous relationship, on a date with my primary partner and another couple. My partner and I had attended a few play parties and other events, but this was our first foray into a more intimate 2:2 dynamic.

Things were heating up at the bar. We were all making out at our table and getting plenty of attention from the other patrons and bar staff, so we decided it was time to take things back to their place for some privacy.

I was having a great time with this new guy and my guy was having a great time with this new girl. Everything was groovy… until I looked over and saw her doing something with him that I knew he loved, and that I was physically incapable of doing.

All of a sudden the world shrank, everything got quiet, and my whole body felt simultaneously hot and cold.

Up to this point in my life, I had only ever experienced compersion (experiencing pleasure from your partner experiencing pleasure with someone else, aka the ‘opposite’ of jealousy) and so I had no idea what was going on!

Office Hours: Jealousy & Compersion

I didn’t realize that I was experiencing jealousy for the first time! But it shut me down, and the rest of the date with me.

When my partner and I got back to the car, I couldn’t speak. Every muscle in my body was tense and I couldn’t even look at him. The green-eyed monster had taken hold and was about to take us for an unexpected ride!

As a paid subscriber, you get full access to the Ask Ally advice column — including DMing Ally your own questions — along with the archive of must-read posts and workshops and the ability to join the live chat during monthly Office Hours.