When my friend and colleague Dr. Marie Thouin, PhD—the world’s foremost researcher on the topic of compersion—asked if I would be willing to sit down and chat about erotic jealousy, the answer was: duh. When she asked if I would be willing to do so on camera, well then I knew she was flirting with me!
Compersion is the empathetic feeling of joy or pleasure you can experience for your partner experiencing joy or pleasure with someone else.
The video shares our raw, unfiltered conversation on the topic of erotic compersion and hot jealousy, including my own personal experiences and juicy stories about both. If, for some strange reason, YouTube is your preferred platform, or you wish to send it to someone who isn’t on Substack, you can view and share it there below:
Jealousy Is Universal (Not a Relationship Problem)
Most people think jealousy is the thing you’re supposed to outgrow.
If you still feel it, something must be wrong with you.
Or your partner.
Or your relationship.
But here’s the reframe I wish I’d had years ago:
Jealousy isn’t a failure of love.
It’s a nervous-system response looking for leadership.
It doesn’t mean you’re insecure, immature, or failing at relationships. And it isn’t proof something is wrong. It’s just information: a nervous-system experience, not a moral failing. It means your nervous system is responding to perceived risk or threat.
And like any nervous-system response, what matters isn’t whether or not it shows up. It’s how you work with it once it does.
Jealousy shows up in every relationship style: monogamy, open relationships, dating, marriage, long-term partnership, and situationships.
Most people either suppress it or explode it: Trying to build trust by pretending jealousy won’t happen is like trying to build strength by never going to the gym.
Very few people are taught how to work with it and so it often masks: fear of abandonment, loss of control, desire that hasn’t been acknowledged.
“Trust isn’t built by eliminating risk. When you choose to love someone you assume the risk that they can hurt you, and you let them prove again and again over time that they won’t.” —Ally Iseman
In my conversation with Dr. Thouin, we explore what happens when jealousy isn’t avoided—but metabolized. We even dive into how one of the most erotic moments in one of my strongest relationships started with a broken agreement.
My Two Axes Model of Erotic Jealousy & Compersion
Erotic Compersion and Erotic Jealousy are not the same experience, though they may have similiar outcomes. Erotic arousal, a physical/physiological state, can exist with jealousy or compersion, an emotional/feeling state.
The body doesn’t differentiate—the meaning does. This is why many people confuse erotic jealousy with compersion. Where most get it wrong is when they try to jump straight from jealousy directly into compersion, without regulating the body first.
“Compersion feels good. Jealousy doesn’t. Either can be erotic, but neither has to be. The physical experience, erotic arousal, is the same. The emotional component is the difference. My nervous system is able to experience very uncomfortable feelings in a very safe way.” —Ally Iseman
I like to break it down in a simple, two-plane graph.
Axis 1: Emotional Experience
Jealousy → feels bad
Compersion → feels good
Axis 2: Physiological Experience
Non-arousal
Arousal
Erotic compersion feels expansive.
There’s joy. Gratitude. Turn-on without threat.
Erotic jealousy feels different.
There’s discomfort. Edge. Vulnerability. And arousal running right alongside it all.
What makes erotic jealousy healing instead of destabilizing isn’t the sensation. It’s the context. Erotic jealousy only works when:
it’s consensual
it’s chosen
it’s safe / negotiated
and it can end at any time
That’s the difference between empowered jealousy and disempowered jealousy.
When jealousy is happening to you, it feels awful.
When jealousy is something you’re consciously engaging with, it can become surprisingly grounding.
“This isn’t someone taking something from me. This is something I’m creating. I’m empowered in the experience. I can stop it completely at any time. It is giving me an empowering experience in something that is typically seen as disempowering.” —Ally Iseman
The Broken Agreement That Built Unshakeable Trust
One of the most stabilizing experiences with my current boyfriend started with jealousy—not compersion.
Early on, he broke an agreement. It could have unraveled everything. Instead, because of how we handled it, it became one of the experiences that bonded us most deeply.
Not because it felt good.
But because it was worked with.
We stayed in communication.
We didn’t bypass the discomfort.
We were each responsible for managing our own experience.
We repaired.
That process didn’t make jealousy disappear. It taught my nervous system that uncomfortable feelings could exist inside safety.
That’s what unlocked trust. And, unexpectedly, exponential erotic freedom.
The repair mattered more than the rupture. I wrote more about that experience here during our Croatian yacht trip earlier this year if you want the full story.
Playing with others, broken agreements, and erotic jealousy!
On May 31st, my London lover and I left for an invite-only week of island-hopping on a luxury yacht in Croatia with 25 other ENM playmates we’d never met before.
“Getting to play in and live out “perceived risk” in a safe way has unlocked a level of intimacy and trust between us that I’ve never been able to access in any partnership before. It’s enabled me to play with power dynamics I’ve always been curious to try.” —Ally Iseman
Insight Isn’t Enough (Where Many Get Stuck and Why Most People Can’t Do This Alone)
As much as my nerdy self would love it to, understanding jealousy intellectually doesn’t stop emotional spirals. Arousal + perceived threat without skills can = overwhelm. Nervous-system work requires practice, tools, repetition.
Most of us were never taught how to:
regulate and stay present in discomfort
communicate without collapsing or controlling
metabolize jealousy somatically
So we default to suppression, explosion, or avoidance. That’s not a personal or moral failure. It’s simply a skills gap. Jealousy becomes empowering when you know how to work with it. And this is exactly why I created my N.E.R.D. O.U.T. on Jealousy Technique contained in The Mastering Jealousy Bundle on Passport 2 Pleasure.
We’re talking:
Emotional Skill-building
Nervous-system regulation
Erotic expansion (optional, not mandatory)
Relationship resilience
This is for people who want to stop fighting jealousy and start listening to it. Who are curious whether jealousy could hold information, power, or even…erotic potential.
The bundle isn’t about getting rid of jealousy.
It’s about learning how to work with it—so it stops running your behavior.
Inside, you get practical tools you can start using today to:
regulate your nervous system when jealousy hits
communicate clearly instead of spiraling
understand the difference between emotionally uncomfortable vs. unsafe
decide whether jealousy is something to soothe, set boundaries around, or consciously explore
For some people, that work leads to relief and stability. And that’s enough.
For others, it unlocks deeper intimacy—and sometimes erotic possibility.
There’s no “right” outcome. Just more choice.
Whether you’re new to jealousy work, you want to unlock erotic potential, or you’re just tired of spirals, shutdowns, or self-blame, this is a way to stop fearing your reactions and turn jealousy into information, intimacy, and sometimes arousal.
If This Stirred Something…
If reading this sparked curiosity, resistance, recognition, or even arousal—pause before you dismiss it.
That reaction isn’t random.
It’s information.
You don’t need to decide today whether jealousy should be something you avoid, tolerate, or explore. But you can decide whether you want better tools for when it does shows up.
If you want to go deeper:
Watch the full conversation with Dr. Marie Thouin
Explore The Mastering Jealousy Bundle when you’re ready to stop fighting jealousy and start working with it
Not to become fearless.
But to become grounded, empowered, and more honest—with yourself and the people you love.
Explore the Mastering Jealousy Bundle if you want tools, not just insight.
Jealousy doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just might mean you’re closer to something more honest — and possibly even erotic — than you think.
