💬 Ask Ally: Any tips for a MMF (male, male, female) threesome?

An inclusive relationship advice column from Ally Iseman.

Welcome to the inclusive relationship advice column Ask Ally, where I answer all of your burning questions about consensual non-monogamy, communication skills, and all things relationship design!! These are real questions from real readers like YOU.

This is part relationship advice, part sharing my own journey as a woman dating non-monogamously. Think Carrie Bradshaw but without the Aiden vs. Mr. Big showdown, because I can be with both of them thanks to expansive relationship dynamics!

Shoot me a DM with your questions or if you’re seeking advice about your own relationship. I’ll select from those and answer anonymously for the benefit of all.

This week’s reader asks:

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Do you have any tips for a MMF threesome?

Yes.

In fact, I have more than just the tip, I have a whole guide!

The first rule of any threesome is that everyone should leave feeling satisfied and fulfilled.

Before jumping into the main event, get crystal clear on everyone’s DIBs:

• Desires

• Intentions

• Boundaries

An even more useful and deeper dive version of this is the super juicy RBDSM conversation framework, which you’ll often see discussed and utilized in kink/BDSM spaces but is in no way exclusive to that environment. You would also do this ahead of time to make sure everything is compatible for an equally fulfilling experience for all:

• Relationship — what are your current relationship entanglements / structures / partners? The dynamic is slightly different if you’re an already established couple looking to introduce a third person into your already secure and fulfilling dynamic.

• Boundaries — what is on your Yes No Maybe List and how are you going to signal a hard line in the moment? Yep, I’m talking safety cues.

Is a safety word alone not enough? Sometimes we can’t speak due to physical limitations or we can go nonverbal from so much pleasure or when triggered. Choose both an audible safety word — mine is Meatloaf because, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that — AND a safety cue like a double tap.

• Desires — here’s where the Yeses come in from your Yes No Maybe List. Don’t be afraid to speak openly and ask for what you want. These are requests, not demands. It doesn’t mean everyone will be down with participating in everything you want, but it’s important to practice sharing these authentically in a safe space.

• Sexual Health — this includes disclosing your STI status, sharing the last time you got tested and the results if requested, and sharing your safer sex practices like your preferred contraception and how you would deal with any unplanned STI transference or pregnancy (if the necessary and applicable hardware is involved).

• Meaning — what does this encounter mean to you? Is it a one and done, simply a fulfillment of a fantasy to check off the sexual life experience list, or is there a possibility for a continuation or recurrence sexually or platonically?

Who’s playing with who and how?

Think an MMF threesome is the same as an MFM threesome? Think again!

Read on to learn how this important distinction can make the difference between a fulfilling or flatlining experience for all.

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