💬 Ask Ally: STIs vs. STDs...WTF?

An inclusive relationship advice column from couples coach Ally Iseman.

Welcome to the monthly inclusive relationship advice column Ask Ally, where I answer all of your burning questions about sex, love, dating, and all modern relationships!! These are real questions from real people like YOU.

This is part relationship advice, part sharing my own journey as a woman relating non-monogamously. Think Carrie Bradshaw but without the Aiden vs. Mr. Big showdown, because, thanks to expansive relationship dynamics, I can be with both of them!

The Ask Ally advice column and monthly Live videos are for supporting members only — below is a preview for free subscribers.

This month’s readers ask:

So many of you write in asking about STIs when it comes to safer sex with multiple partners!

Paid subscribers of Passport 2 Pleasure can submit their own questions. I’ll select from those and answer anonymously for the benefit of all. The advice below is an overview of the important factors but may not get into the specific aspects of your unique scenario, in which case I encourage you to DM me your questions.

Let’s talk about safer sex, baby.

When it comes to having any type of sex with other consenting adults in multipartner dynamics, some version of a common (and reasonable) question inevitably comes up:

1. What about STI’s? I’m concerned about people not being honest about testing.

If you’re having sex with somebody, I’m hoping there’s at least some level of trust between you. If not, I think that might be worth you spending some time looking at.

Assuming there is…

If you’re at a play party that has said they’re taking STI test results from everyone ahead of time as a part of the vetting process, only allowing guests with clear* test results to attend, then you need to have some level of trust in that organization. If you don’t, why are you choosing to attend an event that you have reason to believe is an unsafe environment?

* clear not clean—more on that and other language choices below.

If you are interacting with someone directly such as on a date—rather than at a play party where you likely won’t have your phones on you—it is perfectly reasonable and you are within your rights to ask them to show you their STI test results. It is also perfectly within their rights to say no and not want to show you their results. In which case you both have a decision to make. Consent is an invitation, not a demand.

“You can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need.”

—Keith Richards

It is perfectly acceptable to ask for those results ahead of time (if you’ve already discussed the potential of playing together—”show me your STI test results” is not an opening line) or on the date as a screenshot. If you’re concerned about edited/AI screenshots, you could even ask to watch them log in to their health/test tracking app to show you results natively. I use Healthvana, which is used by all manner of health and testing centers including but in no way limited to my friends at AHF.

I am not a paid partner of either AHF nor Healthvana and I get nothing for recommending them. I just get stellar STI prevention care and treatment.

If you are having sex with anyone anywhere, whether once or multiple times, there needs to be some level of trust in yourself and your judgement and in them—meaning that they are displaying trustworthy behavior and acting in a way that is deserving of trust—and that they and you are communicating openly and honestly.

With any sex, whether it’s with 1 person or 10, there is some level of risk. Having sex is an adult activity and adults have a biochemical understanding of cause and effect, aka critical thinking regarding a complex understanding of consequences:

“When the prefrontal cortex is fully developed — which typically happens around age 25 — you’re considered capable of discerning the relationship between your actions and potential short- or long-term consequences.” —Healthline

A word on words…

STD vs. STI

Sexually Transmitted Diseases or Sexually Transmitted Infections, what’s the difference? According to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control), “A sexually transmitted disease (STD) develops because of an STI and the term implies that the infection has led to some symptom of disease. People sometimes use the terms in one another's place. The primary goal of public health and healthcare is to prevent and treat infections before they develop into disease.”

Clear vs. Clean

This is sexual stigmata. Procreative propaganda. Irrationally ignorant intercourse information. I’m all about alliteration, but I’ll stop there.

In all seriousness, it’s not that serious. While growing up in a sex-negative culture may infer otherwise, there is nothing—I repeat nothing—inherently “dirty” about having sex. You could have sex in an unhygienic setting, which would, by definition, be dirty, but catching an STI doesn’t make you “dirty” or “unclean” anymore than catching a cold or flu or any other virus on an airplane does. It’s a part of the risk.

Because of this, the more accepted terms to use are “clear” or “negative” to describe the absence of any positive results on your STI tests.

Safe vs. Safer Sex

According to Planned Parenthood, while often used interchangeably, "safe sex" and "safer sex" essentially mean the same thing, referring to practices that minimize the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unintended pregnancy. The term "safer sex" is generally preferred because even with precautions, there is always a small chance of contracting an STI and therefore there is no such thing as completely "safe" sex. Any sexual activity carries some level of risk; "safer sex" emphasizes the idea of taking steps—like using condoms, practicing open communication about sexual health, and regular STI testing—to reduce that risk as much as possible.

The only way to trust someone is to choose to do so, with the caveat that they are behaving in a manner deserving of trust such as consistency in their word and action.

Trust must be earned and it can’t be taken, it can only be given.

Now that we have a better understanding of safer sex, let’s explore some tips for handling specific STI / STD diagnoses as they affect your and/or your partner(s).

2. What if I want to sleep with someone who has HSV2+?

We’re also going to talk about HIV and the precautions you can take to have a perfectly accessible sex life with or as someone with a currently lifelong diagnosis.

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