💬 Ask Ally: I'm a married ENM man who can't find any women to date. Any advice?

An inclusive relationship advice column from Ally Iseman.

Welcome to the monthly relationship advice column Ask Ally, where I answer all of your burning questions about love, sex, dating, and modern relationships inclusive of ALL relationship styles!! These are real questions from real people like YOU.

This is part relationship advice, part sharing my own journey as a woman relating non-monogamously. Think Carrie Bradshaw but without the Aiden vs. Mr. Big showdown, because I can be with both of them thanks to expansive relationship dynamics!

Paid subscribers of Passport 2 Pleasure can submit their own questions. I’ll select from those and answer anonymously for the benefit of all.

ANNOUNCEMENT

Up to this point Ask Ally has been a weekly written advice column, but I want to be able to answer more of your questions and interact with you much more directly. So now this will become a monthly written column PLUS…

I will be able to host my Office Hours, a monthly LIVE video call with my paid subscribers. This means you will have the opportunity not only to write in with your questions, but to have them answered by me LIVE via video session!

This month’s reader asks:

Although the weekly videos and global headline recap emails are free for all, the Ask Ally advice column and monthly Live videos are for supporting members only — below is a preview for free subscribers.

I can’t find a woman to date (I’m a man), but my partner (a woman) has zero problems dating men. Any advice?

Yes. I’m actually going to lean on my career history in marketing — I left my last role as VP of Marketing for a Mark Cuban company in the vegan food space in March 2023 to build and launch Passport 2 Pleasure — to answer this question, which addresses a very common dilemma men experience, often unexpectedly, when first entering ENM.

This column will be broken into two parts:

1. a general understanding of why dynamics are the way they are, and

2. exercises to help you improve your situation.

I would also encourage you to ease yourself out of absolutes and finite thinking like your partner having ‘zero problems dating men.’ I’d wager effort and discretion is involved on her part and that she’s run into some issues. You’re missing an opportunity to build on your intimacy together by making this generalized assumption that puts you on opposing ends of an imaginary graph.

Tip 1: Ask her how her experience has been and what issues she’s run into rather than making assumptions. Depending on the environment you’re creating together in your relationship for this exploration, she may not feel comfortable communicating it all to you, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s extremely vulnerable to talk about challenges.

Before I get into the exercise you can do to improve your own odds, let’s have some real talk about the current landscape of the sexual marketplace…

The advice outlined below is:

• aimed at men attracted to women, including bi men, and

• an overview of the important factors but may not get into the nitty gritty aspects of your specific scenario, in which case I encourage you to DM me your questions.

Men’s attitudes towards and involvement with women are the focus here as they can present some of the biggest problems due to societal norms. Generalizations will be stated as they are necessary to sum up the causation and result of longstanding biases and systemic issues, but there will always be particular men, women, or situations that are exceptions to anything I say.

Size Matters

While public interest in non-monogamy has been growing exponentially in recent years, the number of people who are public about their non-monogamous lifestyle, let alone who are at least understanding of it, is still a small fraction of the dating pool.

About 1 in 5 Americans have ever participated in consensual non-monogamy, with about 4-5% (or 1 in 20) currently in a CNM dynamic, about the same as who identify as LGBTQ* (you don’t need to be gay/bi to be non-monogamous, nor do you need to be non-monogamous to be gay/bi — gender identity and sexual orientation are separate from relationship orientation).

There are apps designed specifically to meet other non-monogamous people and meetups both virtually and in person that happen all over the map, but it can feel like a smaller pool when you’re used to being able to date pretty much anyone who takes your fancy and who is available.

Because of this there is a learning curve to adapt and most people don’t find themselves involved or having sex with more than one person until three months to a year after deciding to open up. Have grace with yourself.

Photo by franco alva on Unsplash

Porn Has Fucked You.

There is a perception among men that if you just keep poking around you’ll end up getting into the right rooms where hordes of women you’re attracted to will be waiting and eager to have sex with you. Often in most mainstream, readily-available porn, being in the same location, whether it’s a room or a field, is enough cause to fuck.

There is one way to guarantee that walking into a room is enough reason for someone to have sex with you…

As a paid subscriber, you get full access to the Ask Ally inclusive relationship advice column — including the ability to submit your own questions — Chat with the community, DM Ally privately, and peruse the archive of must-read posts and workshops. Get the tools and skills you need to build the relationships you want and deserve without spending countless hours in therapy.