💬 Ask Ally: If someone doesn't disclose their relationship status right away, is that a lie and a dealbreaker?

A weekly inclusive relationship advice column from Ally Iseman.

Welcome to the inclusive relationship advice column Ask Ally, where I answer all of your burning questions about consensual non-monogamy, communication skills, and all things relationship design!! These are real questions from real readers like YOU.

This is part relationship advice, part sharing my own journey as a woman dating non-monogamously. Think Carrie Bradshaw but without the Aiden vs. Mr. Big showdown, because I can be with both of them thanks to expansive relationship dynamics!

Shoot me a DM with your questions or if you’re seeking advice about your own relationship. I’ll select from those and answer anonymously for the benefit of all.

This week’s reader asks:

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If someone doesn’t disclose their relationship status upfront and early but tells the truth when asked, is it still a lie and a dealbreaker?

Context is KEY here.

Where did you meet?

Was it on an ENM dating app or a poly meetup IRL?

If you met on a dating site and both had some distinction in your profile regarding your relationship and dating dynamics — such as “poly” or “ENM” — then I wouldn’t outright consider this a lie of omission as my inclination would be to assume that they are dating other people in some form or another.

This is where personal responsibility comes in. If the specifics of their current relationship dynamics are important to you, then you need to ask that question directly as soon as is comfortable for you. Not everyone has the same desire, need, or requirement to know that information at all let alone in the same timeframe.

The power of inclusive relationship design is living with the freedom of choice. We are choosing to no longer rely on assumptions based in the compulsory social standards we are prescribed, and to rather take on ownership over asking for what we want and need based on our own romantic and sexual desires.

Did you meet online or IRL outside of a Lifestyle context?

Lifestyle is a term used to describe the sex-positive space from play parties to consensual non-monogamy, polyamory to kink and BDSM.

Being a subject matter expert for The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good and more might mean my advice is worth something. Paid subscribers get direct access to me via DM, Chat, Live videos, and can read the rest of this advice column. You deserve to get the support you need to build the relationship you deserve.