💬 Ask Ally: How much detail do you share with your partner? How much disclosure is too much?

An inclusive relationship advice column from Ally Iseman.

Welcome to the inclusive relationship advice column Ask Ally, where I answer all of your burning questions about consensual non-monogamy, communication skills, and all things relationship design!! These are real questions from real readers like YOU.

This is part relationship advice, part sharing my own journey as a woman dating non-monogamously. Think Carrie Bradshaw but without the Aiden vs. Mr. Big showdown, because I can be with both of them thanks to expansive relationship dynamics!

Shoot me a DM with your questions or if you’re seeking advice about your own relationship. I’ll select from those and answer anonymously for the benefit of all.

This week’s reader asks:

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Are there degrees of knowledge in an open relationship? Do you tell your partner every time you interact with another person and exactly what that interaction was? What works for you?

Levels of discretion are a personal preference and when you’re in relationship with another person, clarifying what might be different desires for different levels of discretion and privacy is key in finding a mutually agreeable manner of disclosure.

How and when do you communicate what to who?

When it comes to sorting out communication between you and your partner, first determine your needs and then get your partner’s input on theirs so that you can create communication agreements around potential new and recurring partners.

Things to consider:

When.

Timing is everything, or so they say. Though I would agree it’s a great place to start.

• At what point do you and your partner need to hear about a potential interest? Does that change if it’s a sexual interest vs. a romantic one?

• Do you want to hear about a crush or only if communication has been established?

• Do you need to hear about it before an invitation for a date has been made, or only whether or not it was accepted?

• What about if you or your partner is asked out by someone else? Are you comfortable giving a response before speaking with your partner?

How.

Once you know when you each want to hear from each other, decide how that information is going to be shared.

• Is it only to be shared in person? Is a ‘heads up’ text or voice note okay?

• What about if an upcoming date just gets added to your shared calendar without any fanfare or prior discussion?

• Does this need to be done in a private place or is it okay to talk about in public?

As for my personal level of discretion and what I like to share with and hear from my partners, read on…

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