💬 Ask Ally: What makes a relationship casual vs. romantic?

An inclusive relationship advice column from Ally Iseman.

Welcome to the inclusive relationship advice column Ask Ally, where I answer all of your burning questions about consensual non-monogamy, communication skills, and all things relationship design!! These are real questions from real readers like YOU.

This is part relationship advice, part sharing my own journey as a woman dating non-monogamously. Think Carrie Bradshaw but without the Aiden vs. Mr. Big showdown, because I can be with both of them thanks to expansive relationship dynamics!

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This week’s reader asks:

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I see that some people choose to have an agreement that casual relationships are fine as long as it doesn't become romantic. What makes a relationship casual vs romantic?

When it comes to creating your Relationship Agreement, the terms are up to you and your partner, so make sure to define them so you don’t run into Compound Meanings.

Compound Meanings are the assumption that different words mean the same thing because of stories we’ve been told or subscribe to, whether consciously not.

One of the biggest ones I see with the couples I work with is:

• Love

• Sex

• Commitment

These are not synonyms. These are separate ingredients we can include in our relationships, that can be but are not intrinsically related. Define them.

When we don’t define terms with our partner to create a Shared Language, we end up assuming we have the same understanding of what certain words and ideas mean without ever discussing it. This can lead to all manner of unnecessary conflict.

So how can you go about avoiding this pattern of unnecessary conflict to figure out if a relationship is casual or romantic or not?

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